Dragging What Happens Behind Closed Doors Into the Light

Utilizing Story-telling to Effect Change

Part 2 of a three part series making the case against the use of corporal punishment by Christian parents (Part 1 and Part 3).

This post is for those who defend the practice of “spanking” young children. It shows-not-tells what a spanking (as taught by bestselling Christian parenting expert Tedd Tripp) is like from various perspectives. I know this is a difficult exercise and speaks into tender places. I hope the discomfort of reading this spotlights the reality of the actions.

These scenarios are not meant to be comprehensive or to speak for every individual’s experience, which is varied.

***Sensitive Content Warning***

Tedd Tripp offers the scenario of a child disobeying by not picking up toys in Shepherding A Child’s Heart (p. 147).

Tripp’s prescribed method (Chpt. 15):

1. Go to a private place.

2. Explain how the child disobeyed.

3. Indicate that a spanking will happen.

4. Remind the child about God and sin.

5. Tell the child how many swats.

6. Take off the child’s underclothes and spank.

7. Offer hugs and prayers.

Imagine this from the perspective of a 3 year old child:

I am 3 years old. Daddy comes over to where I am playing. His voice is calm, but his face is mad.

“I told you that you should pick up your toys, didn’t I? You didn’t obey me, did you? You know what that means,” he says. “I must spank you.” (p. 147)

I stay very still and look at my toys. I know what that word means. I feel hot inside, and my breath is fast. I grab my toy lion.

“No, Daddy,” I say. I start to cry.

Daddy talks about disobeying God (p. 30). God wants me to clean up my toys when Daddy says to. My face feels hot. I wanted to keep playing.

“No!” I throw my lion as Daddy grabs me.

I shout and kick, but he is strong. His hands grab my arms hard.

“Three swats,” Daddy says.

I feel sweaty all over and then cold where my clothes are off. I cry louder.

He puts me over his lap, which pushes on my tummy, and my face hurts from my head hanging down. I see the floor.

“One.”

I cry louder, but I can still hear the smack sound and feel the hurt.

“Two.”

My breath can’t slow down, and I can’t stop crying. I try to get away, but I can’t move. Everything is a woosh.

“Three.” It stops.

Daddy helps me put my pants back on and then scoops me onto his lap and hugs me.

“I love you,” he says.

My cheeks are wet with hot tears. The hug feels good. I wail.

“That’s enough now,” Daddy says.

I try to stop. My breath comes i hiccoughs. Daddy is praying to God. He tells me words to say to God.

I want to sit on Daddy’s lap longer. He tells me to clean up my toys.

I clean up my toys.

*****

In this scenario, a 3-year-old child has been spanked the “right way” according to many Christians. I’m sure you can imagine variations. Perhaps the adult is acting calm as prescribed. Perhaps the adult is angry or out of control or not following Tripp’s rules. In every case, the child experiences sensations that are overwhelming physically, emotionally, and sometimes confusing sexually.

People who advocate for spanking often connect it to discipline, obedience, and instruction.

But what messages did the child actually receive?

• My thoughts and feelings don’t matter.

• My cries don’t matter.

• I am powerless to protect myself.

• An adult can hurt my body in private.

• Pain is connected with love and God.

• I must “be sweet” (pg. 149) and hug someone who hurts me.

• I feel good when I hear my parent say “I love you,” and it happens after spanking.

• I feel relief and reassurance when I get punished.

• What I did made this bad thing happen.

• God wants this.

• God is like this.

Other considerations:

Is unquestioning obedience a worthy goal? How does a child learn about consent and boundaries alongside this messaging?

Will this child be able to say “no” should another person attempt to hurt their body? Especially if that person uses “God” language?

What kind of relationships will feel “right” to a child who learns “I hurt you because I love you”?

How might the confusion of sensuality and violence impact a person?

This is an example drawn from what Christian teachers claim is the “right” way to spank. Consider other scenarios with escalating violence, speed and no warning, distressed siblings as witnesses, angry and frustrated parents, detached and distant parents, repeated rounds of spanking multiple times a day.

I know this is a difficult exercise and speaks into tender places. I hope the discomfort of reading this spotlights the reality of the actions.

*****

Imagine this from the perspective of a sibling:

I am 7 years old.

“Why are you two still standing there?” Dad says to me and my older sister in his we-are-running-late voice. “Get in the car.”

“I can’t find any socks.” I sift through the sneakers in the shoe bin looking for mine.

“I told you to put everything out last night,” Dad says. “Are you having trouble hearing my voice again?” (p. 154) He sighs and glances at his watch. “We will deal with this later.” Dad turns and takes the stairs two at a time.

I stand there for a minute, staring at the shoe bin.

“Hurry up,” my sister says, and I snap back into focus, buzzing with energy.

Dad comes back and hands me the socks.

“Finish getting ready. I’ll just be a minute. Your little brother is disobeying.”

I know what that means. I take the socks and turn toward my sister, but there is only her back as she moves swiftly to the car.

I sit down and unroll the socks. I hear the rumble of Dad’s voice followed by my brother’s shouted “No!”

My fingers are having trouble getting the first sock on. My palms feel sweaty.

My brother’s cries get louder, and I hurry. I just want to be done and get out to the car. I fumble with the second sock. Ic an ehar the muffled sound of Dad talking. Then I hear the counting.

“One.”

My stomach clenches. Then comes the sound of the smack.

“Two.” I cover my ears with my hands.

The cries from upstairs get louder. I push harder on my ears to try and drown out the sound.

“Three.”

I wish Dad would stop. I wish my brother would stop. I hate this. It gets quieter, and I slowly take my hands away.

I can hear my brother sobbing. I squeeze my eyes shut. Please stop. I want to tell him it gets worse if you don’t stop. My body is frozen in place as I strain to listen.

Dad is talking again, and I can ehar the sound of his praying voice. It’s almost over. I feel shaky and relieved. It wasn’t me. And then I squirm. You should be ashamed of yourself. I shove one foot into a shoe, then another. But maybe now Dad will forget about me not listening.

I get to my feet and grab my backpack. I want to be in the car before Dad and my little brother come down. I kick the shoe bin on my way out. Stupid shoes. Stupid socks. Stupid brother.

*****

This is an example drawn from what Christian teachers claim is the “right” way to spank. Consider other scenarios with: escalating violence, speed and no warning, siblings participating in or replicating this, angry or detached parents, repeated rounds of spanking multiple times a day. In every case, an adult is hitting a child, and the other children in the home witness it.

People who advocate for spanking often suggest it is instructive discipline for children. But what are the other children in the home learning?

A sibling learns:

• It is acceptable for adults to hurt children.

• It is normal to witness violence.

• I am powerless to keep others from getting hurt.

• My actions can cause another child to get hurt.

• An adult can dominate another child’s body in private.

• I must “be sweet” (p. 149) and hug someone who hurts my siblings.

• I might be next.

• Maybe my siblings deserve punishment, and I want to participate in that.

• I feel relief and reassurance after someone gets punished and guilty for feeling relieved.

• God wants this and God is like this.

Other considerations:

How does this impact how siblings view their family secrets/loyalties, themselves and each other?

What kind of leaders/pastors/employers will feel “right” to this child as an adult? Will they accept leaders who dominate others?

How might this stunt a person’s capacity for advocacy and empathy later in life?

Sometimes older siblings are given authority and told to spank younger ones. How does this impact sibling relationships and what messages do both children receive?

How does repeatedly witnessing the combination of partial nudity and bodily harm impact a young person?

I know this is a difficult exercise and speaks into tender places. I hope the discomfort of reading this spotlights the reality of the actions.

*****

Imagine this from the perspective of a parent:

I am a parent. I tell my 3-year-old to clean up his toys and then dash downstairs to reheat my coffee for the third time. We have a doctor’s appointment and need to get going soon. I hurry through the messy living room to find that my two older children aren't ready either despite all my efforts to plan ahead.

“We will deal with this later,” I say, ignoring the guilty feeling that comes with letting my 7-year-old get away with disregarding my instructions.

I run up to their shared bedroom and see my 3-year-old still sitting on the floor playing with his toys.

“Clean up your toys,” I say and grab socks for my 7-year-old.

After helping the other children I return to the bedroom. My son is still playing. I sigh. It seems like I only had to spank my older children a handful of times, but this child—it’s almost every day for something or other. Willful disobedience. It’s like he’s testing me.

I walk over to him and pause. He doesn’t even look at me and keeps playing. My body feels tight inside, but I school my face into calm.

“I told you that you should pick up your toys, didn’t I? You didn’t obey me, did you? You know what that means,” I say. “I must spank you.” (p. 147)

“No, Daddy,” he shouts and starts to cry. So it’s going to be one of those times.

I pray for patience. “Do you remember what God says Daddy must do if you disobey me?” (p.30) I think of Sunday’s sermon about first time obedience.

My son throws his lion. I pick him up, and he immediately starts fighting me. “If I don’t spank you, then I would be disobeying God. That would not be good for you or for me, would it?” (pg. 30) I keep my voice calm.

His fist hits my face as I haul him to the bed where I sit down, pinning limbs to keep from getting kicked.  My shoulders tense. This part goes better if I go fast. Calm, fast, in control. Not like my father with his shouting & his belt.

“Three swats,” I say in a tight voice. I flip my  son over on my lap & pull down his pants and underwear.

“One.”

His sobs & kicks escalate, but I hold him firmly. My hand tingles from the sting, and I take a deep breath.

“Two.”

He is remarkably strong for a 3-year-old. I struggle to hold on to him. There is a ringing in my ears, and the room around me feels dim.

“Three.”

It’s over. I pull up his underwear and then his pants and turn him around. He presses in, his hands grabbing tight for a hug.

“I love you,” I say.

He wails and hides his wet face under my chin. I cuddle him close.

I can't tell if he’s calming down or ramping  up.

“That’s enough, now,” I say.

His sobs grow quieter, and I feel my shoulders relax. We won’t have to do it again. Spanking doesn’t bother me like it once did, but I still wish my children would just obey the first time.

“God,” I pray. “Thank you that you sent Jesus to deal with sin. Please remove my son’s heart of stone and give him a heart of flesh. Help him submit to God’s order for family life. Help me be a wise and kind father.” (p. 149)

My child wraps his arms around my neck, but I gently remove them.

“Clean up your toys.”

He obeys.

*****

This is an example drawn from what Christian teachers claim is the “right” way to spank. Consider other scenarios with: escalating violence, speed & no warning, distressed siblings as witnesses, repeated rounds of spanking multiple times a day, or instruments like belts, rods, or switches. In every case, the parent is required to detach from their own physical & emotional responses in order to restrain & hurt their child.

People who advocate for spanking offer it as a means for parents to train their children.

But how does spanking train a parent?

Routine spanking trains parents to:

• See a child’s behavior as antagonistic or threatening to the parent.

• Ignore a child’s desires, cries, or protests.

• Prioritize ideological values over parental instinct, intuition, or their child’s pain.

• Dismiss their own feelings.

• Bypass any discomfort by saying a prayer.

• Expect their child to “be sweet” and offer connection regardless of what the parent does to them.

• Reassure themselves via their child’s response.

• Offer intense emotional connection after disobedience/punishment.

• Normalize being an incontestable authority.

• Believe God wants this and is like this.

Other Considerations:

How will parents who’ve trained themselves to operate like this approach their children’s adulthood?

Will this parent be able to listen to their child’s desires and cries at any age?

Will a parent who believes themself to be the uncontested authority be able to tolerate an adult child’s choices?

I know this is a difficult exercise and speaks into tender places. I hope the discomfort of reading this spotlights the reality of the actions.

*****

Imagine 25 years down the road:

I am 30 years old. I am visiting my parents. I already have a headache, and we still have three hours to go. Conversation is fraught, so we stick to safe topics like the children and pets. When my Dad starts correcting my kids, my spouse takes them out to the yard to play.

“Mom’s birthday’s coming up next week,” Dad says. “All she wants is a small family dinner at home.”

It’s not a request. My temple throbs. I think of how upset my spouse will be to hear we have to do the drive with the kids all over again in a few days.

“Your brother will be here, too,” Dad says. “We babysat his kids last week after church.” The unspoken prompt about where we’re going to church these days hangs in the air. So does my sister’s unmentioned name. As it has done since she moved in with her partner. How did she do it? She’s no contact with my parents and with church. Many of my friends are, too, but I can’t even tell my dad we won’t come to dinner — let alone that I’m not sure what I believe about God.

From where I sit on the couch, I can see my spouse negotiating a conflict between my children.

“You gotta nip that kind of thing in the bud,” Dad says, the line on his forehead creasing in the old familiar way. “Or the butt.” He chuckles.

I feel a flame of anger. Let it go. But I can’t. “We prefer gentler ways to parent,” I say.

“Gentler than what?” Dad’s eyes widen in surprise as he looks at my face. “You were only swatted a handful of times.”

I stare at him. A whirl of memories pass through my mind, countless times with this man and his anger. No. I will not let it go this time. 

“Dad, that isn’t true,” I force the words out. My heart speeds up, bringing the clammy feeling on my skin, the ringing in my ears. “It was more than a swat.” My body starts to shiver like I’ll never be warm again.

“Oh, please. I never used a belt on you!” Dad’s face turns red. “You have no idea how good you had it.” He gets to his feet & storms out.

*****

I am a parent and grandparent. I go to the kitchen, get a glass of ice water, and take a long drink. An image flashes into my mind, my own father, the vein on his forehead bulging as he takes off his belt. My father’s voice:

“You stupid shit, get over here.”

I push the memory—and my adult child’s words—away. We did things different. We did it right. We did our best. 

And where are we now? One son wants to relocate to Idaho where he says they are doing church a better way, my daughter won't talk to me, and the look in my other son’s eyes today? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

I’m too ashamed to talk to my friends about it.  Their children are all walking with the Lord, so where did we go wrong? When I asked my pastor, he gave me a book filled with prayers for prodigals.

I watch my grandchildren a little longer, thinking of the children who once played there so long ago. I say a prayer, reminding the Lord of His promise that if we trained them up in the way they should go, they would not depart from it.

*****

These imagined scenarios are far from comprehensive, but I hope they spotlight ways corporal punishment contributes to the shame, inauthentic relationships, and painful estrangement many Christian families experience.

Some will read these scenarios and think they apply to other people—people parenting the Wrong Way, including “spanking” the Wrong Way.

Any time there is a conversation questioning corporal punishment, Christian parents weigh in to insist there is a Right Way to spank and that they are doing it.

For those who take this approach, I invite you to consider two critical flaws in that thinking:

First: People claim that there is a Right Way to “spank,” but there is no theological or biblical justification for spanking children. In reality, parents are basing their approach on the individual opinions and teachings of a person who claims to be speaking for God.

By using biblical references and Christian vocabulary, such teachers baptize their own personal conclusions and advice, exploit powerful parental fears and spiritual longings, & suggest that if you train up a child via their methods, you will secure certain outcomes.

I hope this series spotlights the fact that messages learned in childhood are indeed formative. But what if “when he is old he will not depart from it” is a sobering observation and not a formulaic promise?

Second: Claiming that certain methods are the Right Way because they are God-endorsed closes parents off from noticing when they are in error.

When parents think of themselves as representative of God relative to their children, they become the reference point for whether their own methods are Right or Wrong.

This contributes to an incontestable authority during the active parenting years and a defensive fragility down the road.

Regarding spanking, if you as a parent are the ultimate authority over your child, then how will you know when you have erred, gone in the wrong direction, or gone too far?

…Which leads us to a third concern.

The scenarios I have imagined in this series are best-case “by the book” scenarios. There are other scenarios. Far worse. And far more common.

Behind closed doors, with parents holding godlike infallibility and unchallengeable verdicts, children too often suffer abuse. And in this system, parents are trained to embrace their power boldly rather than question it carefully.

Christian teaching about “spanking” enables abuse.  Significantly. Frequently. Please, do not dismiss this reality.

Other Christian books tell parents to switch infants, to buy certain implements that won’t leave marks, to set up spanking rooms in churches, to tempt children to disobey and then punish them for it. Please don’t look away from this reality.

But abuse is the Wrong Way,” you might be saying, “and I would never do that.” That’s quite the gamble alongside a method that trains a parent to see a child (and their autonomy) as a threat, to ignore and detach from a child’s pain, to escalate to get compliance, and to believe your godly intentions and chosen behavior are the measure of the Right Way.

Besides, the very idea of a Right Way fails to consider the individuality of the child entrusted to a parent’s care. Which is perhaps one reason why God, in His wisdom, did not give Christian parents a bunch of parenting tips.

What He did give? This direct instruction: Do not provoke your children to anger,  do not embitter them, or they will become discouraged.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.