Failing to respond to an infant in distress teaches them that the world is a bad place, and disrupts their attachment disorder. So if the goal is to create reactive attachment disorder, conduct disorder, and pave the way to full-blown antisocial personality, go right ahead, Douglas. As a toddler who was repeatedly trapped in a dark room by an angry caregiver because I was “crying too much,” I can attest to the accumulated psychological damage.
A far cry, pun intended, from Christ’s statement that we should become like little children if we are to enter the Kingdom. . .
I was raised in an extremely obedience-based household and I carry scars. I didn't know any better, so I naturally used spanking and crying it out. I deeply mourn using those methods, but praise God my son has no lasting damage, because my husband and I were able to change.
While I believe in total depravity, and that we are all born into sin, we are NOT born sinning. I read a fascinating article about toddler brains one time, and it utterly reversed my previous viewpoints.
There is a time when a baby just cries, or a toddler screams, or my now teen mutinies, and they have to release all the tension before they can rest. During that time all you can is reassure them of your presence, and offer unconditional love. The 2YO will come running into my lap when he's done, seeking assurance and body contact; that reinforcement of my love is what truly "trains" him. I've made many mistakes with the teen, but praise God for redemption. Also, admitting to him that I sinned - i.e., losing my temper - is another way of maintaining connection.
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story here. I'm so glad you were able to find an alternate path forward...and that it came with an invitation for all of you into God's kindness and goodness and unconditional love. So beautiful.
I really regret reading Babywise before my first, a friend I trusted highly recommended it to me. Even though I didn't subscribe to it by my third kid I still felt this failure and shame surrounding bad naps and the fact that none of my babies slept thru the night before 6 mos old. I don't personally think it's wrong to gently get rid of sleep props at age-appropriate times, but the whole approach and posture surrounding "crying as manipulative" idea has so many bad outcomes. I remember all the times I worried I was "letting the baby run the family" when I accommodated her or picked her up if she was fussy. So much unnecessary anxiety in am already anxious time of my life 😓
I'm so sorry, Whitney. This kind of teaching really does betray entire families. And you've described so well the way it exploits parental fears (especially for new parents!) which keeps ppl stuck.
I am right there with you. We used it with our first but not #2 & 3. I really regret it and often wonder how much of my first’s personality and attachment was affected. It still grieves me often.
Back in the 70s I was told to let my child cry it out. I changed when next two were born. It just didn’t seem right. Glad we can have these discussions for new parents.
The myth I think it leads to is: "God will only reward people's good behaviour." If attention is only given when the child only behaves properly, then the child will conclude outward 'good' behaviour is key. Yet the reward of eternal life is Christ's, for he earned it. We are his reward.
I subscribe to the reformed doctrine of original sin and I still find these parenting tactics downright tragic and completely unbiblical.
If I'm a pastor, and I suspect I congregant is being emotionally manipulative - do I set myself against them as an adversary and tell everyone "that person is a sinner, psychopath" and take things away until they behave? Is that not likewise manipulative?
What this parenting philosophy does is actually hold children to higher standard than the parent, and that also ripples out into holding the subjects of authority to a higher standard than those in authority.
I will not mince words: This philosophy is a devilish deception and satanic lie. Children, even in their sin, are a more picture of dependance and faith and are described as plants to be nurtured and stewarded. God will not take his eyes off angels of these little ones, and I pray he convicts the teachers that promulgate these lies and reveals truth to the parents who have been decided.
Thank you for saying this! And excellent point about the way it holds children to a higher (and impossible!) standard. I, too, pray these things continue to be exposed and people freed up from this kind of destructive teaching.
I was raised with similar kind of thinking, and I absorbed so much worthlessness believing that who I was born as was entirely sinful and wretched. My personally, my interests, my pains all needed to be thrown out and I needed to be some other self in order to be holy. Interestingly, my parents weren’t calvinists, but these behaviors and attitudes towards children still teach that. A big part of my reconstruction after deconstructing came as I became a parent and dismantled how these practices had formed my theology, and instead finally saw my Heavenly Father as one who responds to my heartache, as one who comforts, as one who truly understands and doesn’t always assume evil. So thankful that God was patient and to teach me who he truly is.
YES to all of this! These messages, learned so young - sometimes even taught by well-intentioned devout parents/pastors! - have life-long impact on our sense of self and our perspective on God. And welcoming children can be an invitation to reframe things and find an alternate way forward - I'm so glad you found that to be the case! B/c what an invitation into the kindness and goodness of God!
Not a mom (yet), but I work with an organization that provides training and support for parents who have kids who have experienced trauma/disrupted brain development from Adverse Childhood Experiences, and this is spot on. When you understand the attachment cycle and how God designed our infant brains to need a consistent, loving response from a parent, you see that it is the foundation for both mental health and the ability to have a healthy relationship with God (and everyone else).
I grew up Baptist and still have a lot of respect and love for aspects of Evangelicalism (they absolutely lap Catholics in a lot of areas), but, ironically, while I was an Evangelical, I was 100% committed to earning my salvation, in part because of frameworks like the one you critique in the post. That didn’t automatically go away when I became Catholic (it got worse, lol), but, after decades of knowing Christ, I am just now learning what it means that He is a Good Father. I’m learning that I can cry out to Him and expect a response — and a *good* response, not some kind of twisted, Monkey’s-Paw kind of, “Oh, you prayed for peace? ENJOY MENTAL TORMENT AND PERSONAL TRAGEDY INSTEAD, SINNER”-response.
I’ve been watching my best friend suffer as she tried to raise her baby believing her to be a little sinner; but for much longer than that, I’ve watched her struggle under the weight of maintaining a relationship with a God whom she believed only loves her and responds to her when she deserves it, and whose primary response to her is bitter medicine — pain and discipline for the sake of growing her character, never love or warmth or the simple fact that she is His beloved daughter. I was there for a long time, too.
But man, talking someone out of the performance mindset (for themselves or for their kids) is literally something only the Holy Spirit can do. People tried with me for years and I wrote them off as lax. I can only hope that the Spirit uses conversations and writing like this post to draw people back into a relationship of sonship, not slavery.
YES to all of this. The way you've described the expectation for a trick-response makes me think of the steward who hides what was entrusted to him because he's so convinced his master is cruel and hard. It is such a heavy yoke and difficult to come out of...but in God's kindness, the patient invitation to this good news is always there.
I grew up in Protestant churches and Catholic schools, so I hear you on the evangelical framework having a hidden works-mentality while pointing in judgment at Catholic or mainline traditions. Always reminds me how grateful I am for every corner of the Church...and how we all likely are little heretics in some way or another. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!
Thank you for bringing this to light. My brain was ingrained with these methods from my upbringing, so much so that there seemed to be no other path. However, since having a daughter of my own (15 months old now), my wife has been such a valuable resource in finding alternative parenting methods, especially when it relates to crying in the middle of the night/being inconsolable. I now choose to draw near and comfort, though I myself get very overwhelmed at times. It has been a slow, oftentimes painful, process... and sanctifying. But oh so worth it!
You are so very welcome! I'm so sorry this touches on your own experience and also so heartened to hear from people who are finding an alternate way forward in their own parenting. Welcoming children really does reframe things and invite an opportunity to change...though it can be difficult to sort through all of that while navigating parenting. And YES so worthwhile! And an invitation to press into the goodness of God who always is near.
Just profound. It makes me tear up to think of my soul like the little baby helpless and needy in a crib…and God (Himself!!!) comes and attends. Lord, help me image that kind of presence for our children…
I think we did CIO once or twice with my first when she was maybe 1? Nope. We went back to co-sleeping. And I never did CIO again with my other two. My husband and I would get our kids down to sleep every night and it took so long, but I don't regret it. It was a lot in the moment, but we are supposed to sacrifice for our kids. When the kids were toddlers, my husband use to sleep on the floor with his arm through the slat of the crib and hold their hand until they fell asleep. We would take turns doing this...and our arm fell asleep most nights! Ha. Eventually we gave up on that and my husband slept with the toddlers and I slept with the nursing baby. And I wouldn't change a thing. I just don't understand his logic or reasoning at all. And it makes me sick to my stomach.
haha, I know well that arm-falling-asleep feeling. This kind of teaching is also so tragic b/c it robs families of connection and relationship that could be theirs. It sounds attractive in the logistically challenging or sleep-deprived years to have insta-obedience or set sleep schedules or whatever else these techniques promise. But, wow, are parents also shaped by the practices they choose day in and day out. Plus, as cliche as it is to say it, they grow up and fly so soon and those become some of the most precious memories.
Honestly, these guys are ridiculous when they talk of "disciplining" babies. I feel nauseated. Babies cry because they want and need to be hugged not because they need to be disciplined.
Yes!! Thank you for speaking up and bringing much needed wisdom here. A helpless infant only has 1 way to communicate distress and lacks the cognitive prowess to manipulate people - absolutely terrifying crazy talk to view babies in this way.
Failing to respond to an infant in distress teaches them that the world is a bad place, and disrupts their attachment disorder. So if the goal is to create reactive attachment disorder, conduct disorder, and pave the way to full-blown antisocial personality, go right ahead, Douglas. As a toddler who was repeatedly trapped in a dark room by an angry caregiver because I was “crying too much,” I can attest to the accumulated psychological damage.
A far cry, pun intended, from Christ’s statement that we should become like little children if we are to enter the Kingdom. . .
All of this. The exponential impact of these kind of methods are life-altering and anti-Christ.
I was raised in an extremely obedience-based household and I carry scars. I didn't know any better, so I naturally used spanking and crying it out. I deeply mourn using those methods, but praise God my son has no lasting damage, because my husband and I were able to change.
While I believe in total depravity, and that we are all born into sin, we are NOT born sinning. I read a fascinating article about toddler brains one time, and it utterly reversed my previous viewpoints.
There is a time when a baby just cries, or a toddler screams, or my now teen mutinies, and they have to release all the tension before they can rest. During that time all you can is reassure them of your presence, and offer unconditional love. The 2YO will come running into my lap when he's done, seeking assurance and body contact; that reinforcement of my love is what truly "trains" him. I've made many mistakes with the teen, but praise God for redemption. Also, admitting to him that I sinned - i.e., losing my temper - is another way of maintaining connection.
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story here. I'm so glad you were able to find an alternate path forward...and that it came with an invitation for all of you into God's kindness and goodness and unconditional love. So beautiful.
I really regret reading Babywise before my first, a friend I trusted highly recommended it to me. Even though I didn't subscribe to it by my third kid I still felt this failure and shame surrounding bad naps and the fact that none of my babies slept thru the night before 6 mos old. I don't personally think it's wrong to gently get rid of sleep props at age-appropriate times, but the whole approach and posture surrounding "crying as manipulative" idea has so many bad outcomes. I remember all the times I worried I was "letting the baby run the family" when I accommodated her or picked her up if she was fussy. So much unnecessary anxiety in am already anxious time of my life 😓
I'm so sorry, Whitney. This kind of teaching really does betray entire families. And you've described so well the way it exploits parental fears (especially for new parents!) which keeps ppl stuck.
I am right there with you. We used it with our first but not #2 & 3. I really regret it and often wonder how much of my first’s personality and attachment was affected. It still grieves me often.
I'm so very sorry. New parents are so vulnerable to this kind of messaging and it is such a betrayal of their trust.
Back in the 70s I was told to let my child cry it out. I changed when next two were born. It just didn’t seem right. Glad we can have these discussions for new parents.
Me too! So thankful there are many more resources available to parents today as well.
The myth I think it leads to is: "God will only reward people's good behaviour." If attention is only given when the child only behaves properly, then the child will conclude outward 'good' behaviour is key. Yet the reward of eternal life is Christ's, for he earned it. We are his reward.
😮💨💯Yes! To all of this. Really contributes to performance-oriented relationships and spiritual insecurity.
I subscribe to the reformed doctrine of original sin and I still find these parenting tactics downright tragic and completely unbiblical.
If I'm a pastor, and I suspect I congregant is being emotionally manipulative - do I set myself against them as an adversary and tell everyone "that person is a sinner, psychopath" and take things away until they behave? Is that not likewise manipulative?
What this parenting philosophy does is actually hold children to higher standard than the parent, and that also ripples out into holding the subjects of authority to a higher standard than those in authority.
I will not mince words: This philosophy is a devilish deception and satanic lie. Children, even in their sin, are a more picture of dependance and faith and are described as plants to be nurtured and stewarded. God will not take his eyes off angels of these little ones, and I pray he convicts the teachers that promulgate these lies and reveals truth to the parents who have been decided.
Thank you for saying this! And excellent point about the way it holds children to a higher (and impossible!) standard. I, too, pray these things continue to be exposed and people freed up from this kind of destructive teaching.
I was raised with similar kind of thinking, and I absorbed so much worthlessness believing that who I was born as was entirely sinful and wretched. My personally, my interests, my pains all needed to be thrown out and I needed to be some other self in order to be holy. Interestingly, my parents weren’t calvinists, but these behaviors and attitudes towards children still teach that. A big part of my reconstruction after deconstructing came as I became a parent and dismantled how these practices had formed my theology, and instead finally saw my Heavenly Father as one who responds to my heartache, as one who comforts, as one who truly understands and doesn’t always assume evil. So thankful that God was patient and to teach me who he truly is.
YES to all of this! These messages, learned so young - sometimes even taught by well-intentioned devout parents/pastors! - have life-long impact on our sense of self and our perspective on God. And welcoming children can be an invitation to reframe things and find an alternate way forward - I'm so glad you found that to be the case! B/c what an invitation into the kindness and goodness of God!
Not a mom (yet), but I work with an organization that provides training and support for parents who have kids who have experienced trauma/disrupted brain development from Adverse Childhood Experiences, and this is spot on. When you understand the attachment cycle and how God designed our infant brains to need a consistent, loving response from a parent, you see that it is the foundation for both mental health and the ability to have a healthy relationship with God (and everyone else).
I grew up Baptist and still have a lot of respect and love for aspects of Evangelicalism (they absolutely lap Catholics in a lot of areas), but, ironically, while I was an Evangelical, I was 100% committed to earning my salvation, in part because of frameworks like the one you critique in the post. That didn’t automatically go away when I became Catholic (it got worse, lol), but, after decades of knowing Christ, I am just now learning what it means that He is a Good Father. I’m learning that I can cry out to Him and expect a response — and a *good* response, not some kind of twisted, Monkey’s-Paw kind of, “Oh, you prayed for peace? ENJOY MENTAL TORMENT AND PERSONAL TRAGEDY INSTEAD, SINNER”-response.
I’ve been watching my best friend suffer as she tried to raise her baby believing her to be a little sinner; but for much longer than that, I’ve watched her struggle under the weight of maintaining a relationship with a God whom she believed only loves her and responds to her when she deserves it, and whose primary response to her is bitter medicine — pain and discipline for the sake of growing her character, never love or warmth or the simple fact that she is His beloved daughter. I was there for a long time, too.
But man, talking someone out of the performance mindset (for themselves or for their kids) is literally something only the Holy Spirit can do. People tried with me for years and I wrote them off as lax. I can only hope that the Spirit uses conversations and writing like this post to draw people back into a relationship of sonship, not slavery.
YES to all of this. The way you've described the expectation for a trick-response makes me think of the steward who hides what was entrusted to him because he's so convinced his master is cruel and hard. It is such a heavy yoke and difficult to come out of...but in God's kindness, the patient invitation to this good news is always there.
I grew up in Protestant churches and Catholic schools, so I hear you on the evangelical framework having a hidden works-mentality while pointing in judgment at Catholic or mainline traditions. Always reminds me how grateful I am for every corner of the Church...and how we all likely are little heretics in some way or another. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!
Thank you for bringing this to light. My brain was ingrained with these methods from my upbringing, so much so that there seemed to be no other path. However, since having a daughter of my own (15 months old now), my wife has been such a valuable resource in finding alternative parenting methods, especially when it relates to crying in the middle of the night/being inconsolable. I now choose to draw near and comfort, though I myself get very overwhelmed at times. It has been a slow, oftentimes painful, process... and sanctifying. But oh so worth it!
You are so very welcome! I'm so sorry this touches on your own experience and also so heartened to hear from people who are finding an alternate way forward in their own parenting. Welcoming children really does reframe things and invite an opportunity to change...though it can be difficult to sort through all of that while navigating parenting. And YES so worthwhile! And an invitation to press into the goodness of God who always is near.
Just profound. It makes me tear up to think of my soul like the little baby helpless and needy in a crib…and God (Himself!!!) comes and attends. Lord, help me image that kind of presence for our children…
YES! And w-i-l-d to think that He came in the incarnation into that vulnerability and neediness. He understands.
I think we did CIO once or twice with my first when she was maybe 1? Nope. We went back to co-sleeping. And I never did CIO again with my other two. My husband and I would get our kids down to sleep every night and it took so long, but I don't regret it. It was a lot in the moment, but we are supposed to sacrifice for our kids. When the kids were toddlers, my husband use to sleep on the floor with his arm through the slat of the crib and hold their hand until they fell asleep. We would take turns doing this...and our arm fell asleep most nights! Ha. Eventually we gave up on that and my husband slept with the toddlers and I slept with the nursing baby. And I wouldn't change a thing. I just don't understand his logic or reasoning at all. And it makes me sick to my stomach.
What I meant is I don't understand*this* logic. In general... every family has different needs, too. So weird.
haha, I know well that arm-falling-asleep feeling. This kind of teaching is also so tragic b/c it robs families of connection and relationship that could be theirs. It sounds attractive in the logistically challenging or sleep-deprived years to have insta-obedience or set sleep schedules or whatever else these techniques promise. But, wow, are parents also shaped by the practices they choose day in and day out. Plus, as cliche as it is to say it, they grow up and fly so soon and those become some of the most precious memories.
So true 😭💔
Honestly, these guys are ridiculous when they talk of "disciplining" babies. I feel nauseated. Babies cry because they want and need to be hugged not because they need to be disciplined.
Exactly this. It’s a horrible betrayal.
Yes!! Thank you for speaking up and bringing much needed wisdom here. A helpless infant only has 1 way to communicate distress and lacks the cognitive prowess to manipulate people - absolutely terrifying crazy talk to view babies in this way.