Thanks for your post. It was really helpful in the aftermath of reading the TGC article. It's so sad to see parents follow the same old stuff that has never worked. So many parents lean on the crutch of punishment. They refuse to do the hard job of actually connecting with their children and helping them grow to love Jesus and obey him from a place of love rather than fear.
I'm so glad you found it helpful! YES. It is heart-breaking to see the cycles repeat and a new generation of parents reach for this. This kind of teaching betrays everyone.
Thanks, Marissa. I'm a therapist that often works with parents and teens that are struggling. Following the advice of TGC article would do so much damage to those kids and those relationships. The most disheartening part is the use of Jesus and his words to justify harsh, physical punishments and a refusal to see children as human. It flies directly against the message that Jesus consistently preached. Also that the TGC has such influence in these circles is really concerning. Thanks for your rebuttal.
By some of his analysis, how are we to rate God's parenting report card? His kids are quite rotten a lot of the time (myself included.)
Yeah, this is another example of why I stopped reading TGC a long time ago. Thanks for the reminder. (And for tackling it because there's a lot of us who feel like you but don't have the emotional energy or time to spell it out as neatly as you did.)
The conflation of inappropriate/“bad” behaviors and sin is interesting to me as a Catholic because we believe that children age 7 and under are below the “age of reason” and cannot sin. They can behave in ways that would be sinful for adults, but are not for children. It is very dangerous to see children as little adults, because so much misbehavior is just communication of a need. This is true for adults, too. St. Julian of Norwich wrote, “when God sees our sin, he sees our pain.” This is not to say that a person’s woundedness justifies their sinful actions, but that the Lord truly is gentle with us and desires our healing. Parents should also be gentle and desire to guide their children into being empathetic, respectful, and kind.
Thanks for writing this! This was helpful. Bernard used to be my pastor, back when he led the West Village congregation of Christ Church NYC in Manhattan, but I haven't kept up with him at all in the last ~10 years.
I'm still mulling over your piece, but I particularly appreciated the point about the inconsistency of applying corporal punishment to children and not to adults. I think you're right, that the view Howard espouses makes special rules for disciplining children that don't seem to line up with the gentleness that Jesus practiced towards children.
One thing that bothers me about pieces like these is that that they encourage parents to go forward with forms of discipline or an authoritarian attitude in parenting that don't even sit right with them. It might be more effective for your family to give the kid who's overstimulated a break and let them calm down on their own before making them clean up a mess. But then there's a voice in your head saying, "You're the parent. You're in charge. Your kid is supposed to obey you. You need to make them do what you want." Because when kids don't want to do what you ask, you're told to read that behavior as "rebellion" or "sin" primarily, when there could be a whole range of reasons your child is behaving that way -- some that require a light touch, and some that require a firmer one.
I'll admit that my thoughts on this have little to do with Scriptural analysis, and much more with my personal beliefs about effective parenting (based on my experience as a child and now, as a parent).
YES! I think many new parents and new converts, too, are susceptible this because they sincerely want to parent "God's way" and (especially when this is paired with corners of the church influenced by nouthetic/biblical counseling) they maybe already mistrust their intuition or have been told their emotions are not to be trusted. So they may feel horrible or hate the idea of spanking but will themselves to anyway, because of articles like these.
And to your last point: I think it's worth noting that the Bible has very little indeed to say directly about parenting. In fact the only direct instruction Christian parents receive is repeated twice "do not provoke & embitter your children," so I think you are on solid ground applying common sense and reflections on your own experiences. I wish more people were empowered to do this. There is such freedom for the Christian parent.
As a 63 year old mom of three adult boys, two who were very strong willed…, I could have used this better teaching when they were growing up. Spare the rod, spoil the child, correct their sin as it’s your responsibility. Thankful my boys survived tho they no longer are involved in church. As a new grandmother, I’m learning new ways of teaching Gods love. Thank you for this article. It was extent helpful for me.
On a side note when my oldest was around 12, I sent him to his room to reflect on obeying your parents and told him to read his bible (I cringe at that now). Well…, because he was doing strong willed when I went to check on him and ask what he had discovered. He quoted that verse…. Parents to not provoke snd embitter your children. Well…, I just had to roll my eyes.
Thank you for your article - I was searching for responses after reading on TGC. One perspective that is rarely addressed, is that of parents who have special needs children. My son was diagnosed at the age of 5 with autism. Prior to that I was told by specialists that his behavior was a result of poor parenting. I knew people at church saw him as a “difficult” child. Spanking and punishment (what I saw and read about other Christian families doing) did nothing but exasperate and increase his behaviors and give me a sense of frustration and failure. Over the last 4 years we have sought a deeper understanding of his diagnosis and development and we have new strategies that are more effective. If we can’t use the “biblical” parenting with children who have special needs, then are we (parents of special needs children) less faithful to following Jesus? Scripture calls us to gently correct someone caught in sin (Galatians 6:1), and I wonder why someone would say that should not also apply to our children.
I am so very sorry. These kind of parenting teachings betray entire families.
I hear this from Christian parents who have special needs children or parents who go through foster/adoption training - that they have a unique window into how these methods not only don't "work," but they are incredibly opposed to the well being of their children. It's so sad to think that a one-size-fits-all approach continues to be peddled and shame passed around for parents who reject that. I've heard from Christian parents that going through foster family training was the first time they were even offered alternative tools.
Thankful you found an alternate way forward. And YES! Gal 6:1 and all the "one anothering" verses - apply to our children!
I stumbled across the live on YouTube yesterday evening while trying to find some responses to the TGC article and really enjoyed hearing some kind of raw analysis of the article. I appreciate as well the time you took to put that analysis into a written piece that really gets to the heart of what was not only concerning but often downright frightening rhetoric that as you so well pointed out, missed the mark of the heart of Jesus. While reading the TGC article for the first time yesterday, I found myself almost responding out loud as if the author was siting right there to hear my rebuttals of his arguments, especially when he asserted that should you turn down the aisle a few minutes later that the parent would still be there being held hostage by the kids desire to have a cookie and even more so when he asserted that "However, from a biblical perspective—and it’s hard to overstate the importance of this—rewards and punishments are a vital part of that shepherding." I so wanted to tell him in person how at age 5 my son was hitting me multiple times a day, like full on punching me in anger and how we did everything we knew to do at the time, we spanked, took all his toys from him for weekends, tried offering rewards for when he would go a whole day without hitting me (he never could not matter how good the reward). It wasn't until we were told by a therapist to stop all punishments and rewards, how to keep him safe during his meltdown and how to talk to him once all the way calm about what had happened and we hesitantly decided to give it a 30 day trial that my son stopped hitting me (quiet literally almost overnight about half way through our 30 day trial). I so vividly remember her saying to me, "so you are suggesting we pretty much let him think it's ok to hit me?" Equally as vividly I remember her response, "the alternative hasn't worked, right? That's why your here right? Give it 30 days and if after 30 days you feel it's made his bad behavior worst then you're right back where you started, at a loss as to what to do. And by the way, he knows what he does is wrong, no lack of punishment or reward will change that." My son is turning 13 this coming Wednesday and by the GRACE of God he has not hit me once, not so much as threatened or flinched towards me since the day he stopped hitting me at age 5. Is he perfect, no. But he has an ability to fairly quickly to take responsibility for his wrong doings and ask how he can make it right with the person he wronged, I truly do not see in most, even myself. Ironically I became a Christian not long before that day we stepped into the therapist office and I still wonder to this day if she was a Christian or if God simply used her to teach me and my kids all about what grace and mercy can do, even in small imperfect doses from flawed humans to other flawed humans so how much more does the act of Christ dying for our sins does!
In addition to desiring to share what had happened with my son, I wanted to tell him about how I had grown up as the oldest of four of a fairly legalistic pastor, and having experienced the way punishment and even worse the shame that came down with the punishment, quiet literally sucked the life out of me, I can say with all seriousness that there is nothing good that came out of the punishment I was subjected to as a kid, even though my parents weren't what I would consider to be absive in nature. But despite the mistakes my parents made, God miraculously showed himself to me, when I least expected it and through a moment of clarity of what God was actually desiring, to give me love and grace that is unimaginable. And decades into being an atheist, it was some very distinct acts of grace, starting with a property manager deciding to give us a house even though we had multiple evictions on our record less than 24 hours from when she denied us because "I am a Christian and God kept me awake all night telling me I am suppose to trust Him and give you another chance." It has also been amazing to see my parents, and especially my dad, get challenged in their ways of thinking about parenting in recent years when my ASD nephew came to live with them at age 14, walking out of some very serious trauma. My nephew is now 20 and it is such a testament of God at work in the mess, because my my dad thought he was getting sent his grandson so he could change my grandson but it was actually the exact opposite .
In the end I feel incredibly sad for the author of the TGC article and I found myself just praying that God would find a way to change his heart and shine through his life changing grace and mercy, just like he did me and so many others in ways that have changed our viewpoint on not just children but on people in prison, people without housing, and see that we are all made in HIS image and are ALL in need of his grace and mercy not just for eternity, but here in this broken messy world too.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." John 4:18
Wow. Thank you for sharing your experience both as a parent and a child. I am so thankful you found an alternate path forward and can testify to God's goodness throughout. This is powerful.
Thank you for developing these notes, as you put it! I appreciate the way that you helped track the equivalences between sacred/secular, adult/child that Howard is making, something that struck me as well as being really quite sloppy thinking leading to some really bad applications. The section where Pilate's euphemistic use of _paideia_ "reveals an aspect of the meaning of discipline in the world of the NT" was particularly egregious: going to the morally compromised imperialist politician (famously, not a reliable category of speaker when it comes to semantic precision!) is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for biblical and cultural context to interpret other occurrences of _paideia_.
You observed that Jesus is mentioned only in passing, as the recipient of unjust-but-exemplary punishment. At least he got a mention: the third Person of the Trinity is totally absent. No wonder, then, that Howard concludes that our only recourse is to beat the folly out of our children -- and what wretched children we would have, if that were true, and who could rescue them from this body that is subject to death [and punishment]? But thanks be to God, who delivers them and me through Jesus Christ our Lord! And he has not left us alone, but sent us another Lawgiver-- no, sorry, Teach-- wait, no . . . Helper.
Excellent points! And yes! The Holy Spirit is also often absent from so much of this teaching - and, yes, esp revealing here when the argument is punishment is the *only* way to transform character. Yikes.
In the end, much of the popular teaching ( he references Shepherding A Child's Heart which I am reading now) requires parents to act in God's stead as comediators and in the Holy Spirit's role of attempting to search and influence their children's hearts. It's so troubling in many areas.
Marissa, I can't say I understand all the vocabulary of this post :-) however I caught this point: qualifications matter when one spouts off opinions and how-to's.
I discovered this (below) online about Howard from the website of Good Shepherd Anglican in Manhattan, where it states "our last service was April 16th." I couldn't find any degrees or credentials in Howard's qualifications. And his wife is one of the editors at TGC. Argh.
"Rev. Bernard N. Howard is a Jewish believer in Jesus. Originally from London, he began following Jesus as the promised Messiah two years after his bar mitzvah (he tells the story here). Bernard has worked in Christian ministry for many years, including three years with the Titus Trust, four years with the Association of Evangelists, and three years as an assistant pastor at Christ Church NYC. He has written numerous articles for The Gospel Coalition.
Bernard is married to Betsy, who is an editor for The Gospel Coalition and the author of Seasons of Waiting and Arlo and the Great Big Cover-Up. They have two young sons: Solomon and Abel."
.....
Oh, and you can't leave comments on the Gospel Coalition article. How convenient. But I did send an email to their Editors. Argh again.
Yes, well, the Anglican church there in Manhattan is no more :-) if that makes you feel better.
His Grace Church Birmingham site lists nothing about him, his staff, his qualifications or their participation in a larger body or denomination. But they do have their 'Convictions' listed. SMH to infinity.
Thank you so much for writing this thoughtful and needed piece. I grew up experiencing the James Dobson “purifying by pain” discipline, and it is a miracle of God’s grace that I am still a person of faith. While I have made a lot of progress, I still notice a default response within myself of anxiety around authority figures, and a default to “I’m going to get in trouble,” even when I have done nothing wrong.
When I was 9 years old, a parent called my name, and I urinated all over myself. Please tell me this is not how any Christian wants their child to react when their name is called.
Even good people can do bad things, such as cross over into abusive behaviors despite the intentions of trying to be good parents. Growing up the way I did, I struggled with depression and self-harming, and the quasi-sexualized corporal punishment led to a lot of shame around my body and physical being, then anorexia nervosa (now recovered).
I am doing so much better now. I was terrified to have children because I did not want to repeat this. Thankfully, Jordan Peterson’s (ironically) discussion of how those who undergo abuse as children actually RARELY repeat it gave me the hope I needed to have my son (now 2). Everyone talks about what a sweet and well-behaved boy he is. We never hit him. Not sure I would call it gentle parenting, but there’s no hitting, so I call it a win. 😌
I am heart-broken for little-you living in such fear and lack of security. Such a betrayal of trust. And you've named so many of the long term and exponential impacts of this kind of betrayal.
B/c, yes, I think some parents who were drawn to these things were abusive. And others maybe were just following what Dobson or whomever told them, but their intentions don't change the impact. I am so thankful you have found ways to heal and hopeful, alternate ways forward.
No hitting is most definitely a win. Well done! Breaking generational cycles is no small thing.
My heart is breaking. We were once friends with a couple who went down the Gothard hell hole of parenting and followed many of the TGC leaders. Saw horrendous punishments that were violently abusive- beatings, belt whipping. A pastor who put hot sauce in the mouth of very young children for lying. We reported to Child and Family Services who did nothing. We confronted which in a sad way I wish we did not because we were not allowed to be with their kids again . None of their children are Christians today but one who sought help snd counseling.
Violence both verbal and physical is now a pillar of evangelical Christians.
Thanks for your post. It was really helpful in the aftermath of reading the TGC article. It's so sad to see parents follow the same old stuff that has never worked. So many parents lean on the crutch of punishment. They refuse to do the hard job of actually connecting with their children and helping them grow to love Jesus and obey him from a place of love rather than fear.
I'm so glad you found it helpful! YES. It is heart-breaking to see the cycles repeat and a new generation of parents reach for this. This kind of teaching betrays everyone.
Thanks, Marissa. I'm a therapist that often works with parents and teens that are struggling. Following the advice of TGC article would do so much damage to those kids and those relationships. The most disheartening part is the use of Jesus and his words to justify harsh, physical punishments and a refusal to see children as human. It flies directly against the message that Jesus consistently preached. Also that the TGC has such influence in these circles is really concerning. Thanks for your rebuttal.
You are so very welcome. Ooof, yes, the way this destroys attachment and connection kind of steals one's breath to think about.
By some of his analysis, how are we to rate God's parenting report card? His kids are quite rotten a lot of the time (myself included.)
Yeah, this is another example of why I stopped reading TGC a long time ago. Thanks for the reminder. (And for tackling it because there's a lot of us who feel like you but don't have the emotional energy or time to spell it out as neatly as you did.)
YES!
I find it so troubling that TGC retains influence. Thousands of families are impacted by this. UGH!
The conflation of inappropriate/“bad” behaviors and sin is interesting to me as a Catholic because we believe that children age 7 and under are below the “age of reason” and cannot sin. They can behave in ways that would be sinful for adults, but are not for children. It is very dangerous to see children as little adults, because so much misbehavior is just communication of a need. This is true for adults, too. St. Julian of Norwich wrote, “when God sees our sin, he sees our pain.” This is not to say that a person’s woundedness justifies their sinful actions, but that the Lord truly is gentle with us and desires our healing. Parents should also be gentle and desire to guide their children into being empathetic, respectful, and kind.
Thank you for the quote. God sees our pain. Tears!
What a profound quote from St. Julian and love the spotlight on the compassion of God. Thank you for sharing this perspective!
Thanks for writing this! This was helpful. Bernard used to be my pastor, back when he led the West Village congregation of Christ Church NYC in Manhattan, but I haven't kept up with him at all in the last ~10 years.
I'm still mulling over your piece, but I particularly appreciated the point about the inconsistency of applying corporal punishment to children and not to adults. I think you're right, that the view Howard espouses makes special rules for disciplining children that don't seem to line up with the gentleness that Jesus practiced towards children.
One thing that bothers me about pieces like these is that that they encourage parents to go forward with forms of discipline or an authoritarian attitude in parenting that don't even sit right with them. It might be more effective for your family to give the kid who's overstimulated a break and let them calm down on their own before making them clean up a mess. But then there's a voice in your head saying, "You're the parent. You're in charge. Your kid is supposed to obey you. You need to make them do what you want." Because when kids don't want to do what you ask, you're told to read that behavior as "rebellion" or "sin" primarily, when there could be a whole range of reasons your child is behaving that way -- some that require a light touch, and some that require a firmer one.
I'll admit that my thoughts on this have little to do with Scriptural analysis, and much more with my personal beliefs about effective parenting (based on my experience as a child and now, as a parent).
You are very welcome!
YES! I think many new parents and new converts, too, are susceptible this because they sincerely want to parent "God's way" and (especially when this is paired with corners of the church influenced by nouthetic/biblical counseling) they maybe already mistrust their intuition or have been told their emotions are not to be trusted. So they may feel horrible or hate the idea of spanking but will themselves to anyway, because of articles like these.
And to your last point: I think it's worth noting that the Bible has very little indeed to say directly about parenting. In fact the only direct instruction Christian parents receive is repeated twice "do not provoke & embitter your children," so I think you are on solid ground applying common sense and reflections on your own experiences. I wish more people were empowered to do this. There is such freedom for the Christian parent.
As a 63 year old mom of three adult boys, two who were very strong willed…, I could have used this better teaching when they were growing up. Spare the rod, spoil the child, correct their sin as it’s your responsibility. Thankful my boys survived tho they no longer are involved in church. As a new grandmother, I’m learning new ways of teaching Gods love. Thank you for this article. It was extent helpful for me.
On a side note when my oldest was around 12, I sent him to his room to reflect on obeying your parents and told him to read his bible (I cringe at that now). Well…, because he was doing strong willed when I went to check on him and ask what he had discovered. He quoted that verse…. Parents to not provoke snd embitter your children. Well…, I just had to roll my eyes.
Thank you for your article - I was searching for responses after reading on TGC. One perspective that is rarely addressed, is that of parents who have special needs children. My son was diagnosed at the age of 5 with autism. Prior to that I was told by specialists that his behavior was a result of poor parenting. I knew people at church saw him as a “difficult” child. Spanking and punishment (what I saw and read about other Christian families doing) did nothing but exasperate and increase his behaviors and give me a sense of frustration and failure. Over the last 4 years we have sought a deeper understanding of his diagnosis and development and we have new strategies that are more effective. If we can’t use the “biblical” parenting with children who have special needs, then are we (parents of special needs children) less faithful to following Jesus? Scripture calls us to gently correct someone caught in sin (Galatians 6:1), and I wonder why someone would say that should not also apply to our children.
I am so very sorry. These kind of parenting teachings betray entire families.
I hear this from Christian parents who have special needs children or parents who go through foster/adoption training - that they have a unique window into how these methods not only don't "work," but they are incredibly opposed to the well being of their children. It's so sad to think that a one-size-fits-all approach continues to be peddled and shame passed around for parents who reject that. I've heard from Christian parents that going through foster family training was the first time they were even offered alternative tools.
Thankful you found an alternate way forward. And YES! Gal 6:1 and all the "one anothering" verses - apply to our children!
I stumbled across the live on YouTube yesterday evening while trying to find some responses to the TGC article and really enjoyed hearing some kind of raw analysis of the article. I appreciate as well the time you took to put that analysis into a written piece that really gets to the heart of what was not only concerning but often downright frightening rhetoric that as you so well pointed out, missed the mark of the heart of Jesus. While reading the TGC article for the first time yesterday, I found myself almost responding out loud as if the author was siting right there to hear my rebuttals of his arguments, especially when he asserted that should you turn down the aisle a few minutes later that the parent would still be there being held hostage by the kids desire to have a cookie and even more so when he asserted that "However, from a biblical perspective—and it’s hard to overstate the importance of this—rewards and punishments are a vital part of that shepherding." I so wanted to tell him in person how at age 5 my son was hitting me multiple times a day, like full on punching me in anger and how we did everything we knew to do at the time, we spanked, took all his toys from him for weekends, tried offering rewards for when he would go a whole day without hitting me (he never could not matter how good the reward). It wasn't until we were told by a therapist to stop all punishments and rewards, how to keep him safe during his meltdown and how to talk to him once all the way calm about what had happened and we hesitantly decided to give it a 30 day trial that my son stopped hitting me (quiet literally almost overnight about half way through our 30 day trial). I so vividly remember her saying to me, "so you are suggesting we pretty much let him think it's ok to hit me?" Equally as vividly I remember her response, "the alternative hasn't worked, right? That's why your here right? Give it 30 days and if after 30 days you feel it's made his bad behavior worst then you're right back where you started, at a loss as to what to do. And by the way, he knows what he does is wrong, no lack of punishment or reward will change that." My son is turning 13 this coming Wednesday and by the GRACE of God he has not hit me once, not so much as threatened or flinched towards me since the day he stopped hitting me at age 5. Is he perfect, no. But he has an ability to fairly quickly to take responsibility for his wrong doings and ask how he can make it right with the person he wronged, I truly do not see in most, even myself. Ironically I became a Christian not long before that day we stepped into the therapist office and I still wonder to this day if she was a Christian or if God simply used her to teach me and my kids all about what grace and mercy can do, even in small imperfect doses from flawed humans to other flawed humans so how much more does the act of Christ dying for our sins does!
In addition to desiring to share what had happened with my son, I wanted to tell him about how I had grown up as the oldest of four of a fairly legalistic pastor, and having experienced the way punishment and even worse the shame that came down with the punishment, quiet literally sucked the life out of me, I can say with all seriousness that there is nothing good that came out of the punishment I was subjected to as a kid, even though my parents weren't what I would consider to be absive in nature. But despite the mistakes my parents made, God miraculously showed himself to me, when I least expected it and through a moment of clarity of what God was actually desiring, to give me love and grace that is unimaginable. And decades into being an atheist, it was some very distinct acts of grace, starting with a property manager deciding to give us a house even though we had multiple evictions on our record less than 24 hours from when she denied us because "I am a Christian and God kept me awake all night telling me I am suppose to trust Him and give you another chance." It has also been amazing to see my parents, and especially my dad, get challenged in their ways of thinking about parenting in recent years when my ASD nephew came to live with them at age 14, walking out of some very serious trauma. My nephew is now 20 and it is such a testament of God at work in the mess, because my my dad thought he was getting sent his grandson so he could change my grandson but it was actually the exact opposite .
In the end I feel incredibly sad for the author of the TGC article and I found myself just praying that God would find a way to change his heart and shine through his life changing grace and mercy, just like he did me and so many others in ways that have changed our viewpoint on not just children but on people in prison, people without housing, and see that we are all made in HIS image and are ALL in need of his grace and mercy not just for eternity, but here in this broken messy world too.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." John 4:18
Wow. Thank you for sharing your experience both as a parent and a child. I am so thankful you found an alternate path forward and can testify to God's goodness throughout. This is powerful.
Thank you for developing these notes, as you put it! I appreciate the way that you helped track the equivalences between sacred/secular, adult/child that Howard is making, something that struck me as well as being really quite sloppy thinking leading to some really bad applications. The section where Pilate's euphemistic use of _paideia_ "reveals an aspect of the meaning of discipline in the world of the NT" was particularly egregious: going to the morally compromised imperialist politician (famously, not a reliable category of speaker when it comes to semantic precision!) is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for biblical and cultural context to interpret other occurrences of _paideia_.
You observed that Jesus is mentioned only in passing, as the recipient of unjust-but-exemplary punishment. At least he got a mention: the third Person of the Trinity is totally absent. No wonder, then, that Howard concludes that our only recourse is to beat the folly out of our children -- and what wretched children we would have, if that were true, and who could rescue them from this body that is subject to death [and punishment]? But thanks be to God, who delivers them and me through Jesus Christ our Lord! And he has not left us alone, but sent us another Lawgiver-- no, sorry, Teach-- wait, no . . . Helper.
Excellent points! And yes! The Holy Spirit is also often absent from so much of this teaching - and, yes, esp revealing here when the argument is punishment is the *only* way to transform character. Yikes.
In the end, much of the popular teaching ( he references Shepherding A Child's Heart which I am reading now) requires parents to act in God's stead as comediators and in the Holy Spirit's role of attempting to search and influence their children's hearts. It's so troubling in many areas.
Marissa, I can't say I understand all the vocabulary of this post :-) however I caught this point: qualifications matter when one spouts off opinions and how-to's.
I discovered this (below) online about Howard from the website of Good Shepherd Anglican in Manhattan, where it states "our last service was April 16th." I couldn't find any degrees or credentials in Howard's qualifications. And his wife is one of the editors at TGC. Argh.
"Rev. Bernard N. Howard is a Jewish believer in Jesus. Originally from London, he began following Jesus as the promised Messiah two years after his bar mitzvah (he tells the story here). Bernard has worked in Christian ministry for many years, including three years with the Titus Trust, four years with the Association of Evangelists, and three years as an assistant pastor at Christ Church NYC. He has written numerous articles for The Gospel Coalition.
Bernard is married to Betsy, who is an editor for The Gospel Coalition and the author of Seasons of Waiting and Arlo and the Great Big Cover-Up. They have two young sons: Solomon and Abel."
.....
Oh, and you can't leave comments on the Gospel Coalition article. How convenient. But I did send an email to their Editors. Argh again.
Thank you for this bio information.
Well, his wife being an editor at TGC may explain how the editorial board decided on this article. Wow.
Smh - ofc there'd be an Anglican connection (melting into the floor emoji)
Yes, well, the Anglican church there in Manhattan is no more :-) if that makes you feel better.
His Grace Church Birmingham site lists nothing about him, his staff, his qualifications or their participation in a larger body or denomination. But they do have their 'Convictions' listed. SMH to infinity.
Absolutely spectacular analysis. Thank you for responding to this horrible article in such detail so quickly.
You are most welcome!
Thank you so much for writing this thoughtful and needed piece. I grew up experiencing the James Dobson “purifying by pain” discipline, and it is a miracle of God’s grace that I am still a person of faith. While I have made a lot of progress, I still notice a default response within myself of anxiety around authority figures, and a default to “I’m going to get in trouble,” even when I have done nothing wrong.
When I was 9 years old, a parent called my name, and I urinated all over myself. Please tell me this is not how any Christian wants their child to react when their name is called.
Even good people can do bad things, such as cross over into abusive behaviors despite the intentions of trying to be good parents. Growing up the way I did, I struggled with depression and self-harming, and the quasi-sexualized corporal punishment led to a lot of shame around my body and physical being, then anorexia nervosa (now recovered).
I am doing so much better now. I was terrified to have children because I did not want to repeat this. Thankfully, Jordan Peterson’s (ironically) discussion of how those who undergo abuse as children actually RARELY repeat it gave me the hope I needed to have my son (now 2). Everyone talks about what a sweet and well-behaved boy he is. We never hit him. Not sure I would call it gentle parenting, but there’s no hitting, so I call it a win. 😌
You are so very welcome.
I am heart-broken for little-you living in such fear and lack of security. Such a betrayal of trust. And you've named so many of the long term and exponential impacts of this kind of betrayal.
B/c, yes, I think some parents who were drawn to these things were abusive. And others maybe were just following what Dobson or whomever told them, but their intentions don't change the impact. I am so thankful you have found ways to heal and hopeful, alternate ways forward.
No hitting is most definitely a win. Well done! Breaking generational cycles is no small thing.
My heart is breaking. We were once friends with a couple who went down the Gothard hell hole of parenting and followed many of the TGC leaders. Saw horrendous punishments that were violently abusive- beatings, belt whipping. A pastor who put hot sauce in the mouth of very young children for lying. We reported to Child and Family Services who did nothing. We confronted which in a sad way I wish we did not because we were not allowed to be with their kids again . None of their children are Christians today but one who sought help snd counseling.
Violence both verbal and physical is now a pillar of evangelical Christians.
I'm so very sorry. It is very difficult to watch friends or family go that route.
Thankful for this writing! Cheering you on!
Thank you!
I’m so excited to read this more deeply.
Thank you for reading!
This is so, so good, Marissa. Thank you.
You are very welcome!
Thank you so much for the time and work you took on this. It is so very important, especially for the sake of the children.
You are very welcome!