I truly think what it comes down to for a lot of parents is that they think they "need" spanking, even if for that last resort where nothing else gets their child listening. There is something very vulnerable in not having a "surefire" tool in their tool belt (whether it actually works or not) for when all else fails. Almost like how complenentarians say they "need" someone to be the deal-breaker for a scenario where neither can come to an agreement. Giving up that ultimate sense of control is extremely hard to do; I still struggle with it and I stopped spanking 6 years ago! Not to absolve them of the harm they cause, but I truly think that's why they can't change their mind - it feels so overwhelmingly vulnerable, and control feels like security 😓
Yes. When the emphasis is on obedience then there has to be that one method that trumps all and “works” otherwise the parent is the failure. The shift came for me when I put relationship in front of obedience. It challenged me to redefine how I see success in parenthood. Christians are the front runners to define success as obedience and children that are also Christian’s and bring honor to the home. So, I do think that drives us to these methods and visions of fairy tail home environments that promise these outcomes. Redefining success was huge for me. And I get quite a bit of backlash for it too, trying to compare what God expects of us to what we should expect of our children. It’s so sad.
This is so well said. Letting go of success as behavioral compliance or some sort of set model is huge. And can get community pushback - either directly or through silent judgment.
I think it really reveals what we believe God to actually be like (even if we talk a lot about grace).
Because we can be successful and our children can be thriving and yet we’re still experiencing very difficult behaviors in our home that just aren’t going anywhere for a while. And that right there is so hard for Christians to accept. Harder for Christians than any other group I know.
YES. And we have a theological investment in there being "improvement" as a piece of sanctification. So we want healing in every sense and overcomer's testimonies and things like that rather than the very messy reality of humanity.
Yes to all of this. There is so much packed in to what you've said here: control, the vulnerability of parenting & not being able to control outcomes, overwhelm, lack of education/alternate tools - so many things. And there's a sunk cost fallacy - it can be difficult to reckon with that choice and course correct the further you go.
You said that “resources about child development and nonviolent options are readily available” but in my case, I haven’t found that to be necessarily true? Could you point me towards these? I’ve searched for resources online (for many hours) and usually find advice that is for older kids, not applicable for one and two year olds like my kids. ‘Redirection’ seems to be the only tool recommended for young kids, which works most of the time but I feel like I need more than that one tool when it doesn’t work?
Speaking personally as a mom, I have learned so much from the Connected Families framework. It's really one of the few Christian resources I recommend to new parents in my parish. I like how they weave together brain-science, child development, and biblical principles. I also like that they see children as persons, our littlest neighbors to love according to all the "one anothering" principles of the NT. They have a fair amount of freebie resources, a podcast, and online courses - as well as personal coaching. I highly recommend all of it, but if you can find a way to do the "Discipline that Connects" online course (they offer scholarships if cost is prohibitive), I think you will find it transformative. https://connectedfamilies.org/
I also recommend finding some general resources on child development. Dan Wuori's twitter feed is fantastic for this as he takes viral clips of young children and explains what is happening. It's been awhile since I was reading in the early years, but I do remember appreciating "How to talk So Kids Will Listen And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" as well as Clay Clarkson's book "Heartfelt Discipline."
I also hear from some parents that they found going through foster or adoption training very helpful as far as learning new strategies.
Kelsey and I do hope to offer some greenlight metrics in our book to help parents evaluate resources for themselves. Green lights I look for are similar to the above: how are children depicted? Is Jesus' life, ministry, teaching mentioned at all? Do they take brain science, child development, or things like neurodivergence into account?
I hope this helps a bit. Good job doing the difficult work of finding alternate ways forward.
I truly think what it comes down to for a lot of parents is that they think they "need" spanking, even if for that last resort where nothing else gets their child listening. There is something very vulnerable in not having a "surefire" tool in their tool belt (whether it actually works or not) for when all else fails. Almost like how complenentarians say they "need" someone to be the deal-breaker for a scenario where neither can come to an agreement. Giving up that ultimate sense of control is extremely hard to do; I still struggle with it and I stopped spanking 6 years ago! Not to absolve them of the harm they cause, but I truly think that's why they can't change their mind - it feels so overwhelmingly vulnerable, and control feels like security 😓
Yes. When the emphasis is on obedience then there has to be that one method that trumps all and “works” otherwise the parent is the failure. The shift came for me when I put relationship in front of obedience. It challenged me to redefine how I see success in parenthood. Christians are the front runners to define success as obedience and children that are also Christian’s and bring honor to the home. So, I do think that drives us to these methods and visions of fairy tail home environments that promise these outcomes. Redefining success was huge for me. And I get quite a bit of backlash for it too, trying to compare what God expects of us to what we should expect of our children. It’s so sad.
This is so well said. Letting go of success as behavioral compliance or some sort of set model is huge. And can get community pushback - either directly or through silent judgment.
I think it really reveals what we believe God to actually be like (even if we talk a lot about grace).
Because we can be successful and our children can be thriving and yet we’re still experiencing very difficult behaviors in our home that just aren’t going anywhere for a while. And that right there is so hard for Christians to accept. Harder for Christians than any other group I know.
YES. And we have a theological investment in there being "improvement" as a piece of sanctification. So we want healing in every sense and overcomer's testimonies and things like that rather than the very messy reality of humanity.
Yes. This rings very true.
Yes to all of this. There is so much packed in to what you've said here: control, the vulnerability of parenting & not being able to control outcomes, overwhelm, lack of education/alternate tools - so many things. And there's a sunk cost fallacy - it can be difficult to reckon with that choice and course correct the further you go.
You said that “resources about child development and nonviolent options are readily available” but in my case, I haven’t found that to be necessarily true? Could you point me towards these? I’ve searched for resources online (for many hours) and usually find advice that is for older kids, not applicable for one and two year olds like my kids. ‘Redirection’ seems to be the only tool recommended for young kids, which works most of the time but I feel like I need more than that one tool when it doesn’t work?
Speaking personally as a mom, I have learned so much from the Connected Families framework. It's really one of the few Christian resources I recommend to new parents in my parish. I like how they weave together brain-science, child development, and biblical principles. I also like that they see children as persons, our littlest neighbors to love according to all the "one anothering" principles of the NT. They have a fair amount of freebie resources, a podcast, and online courses - as well as personal coaching. I highly recommend all of it, but if you can find a way to do the "Discipline that Connects" online course (they offer scholarships if cost is prohibitive), I think you will find it transformative. https://connectedfamilies.org/
I also recommend finding some general resources on child development. Dan Wuori's twitter feed is fantastic for this as he takes viral clips of young children and explains what is happening. It's been awhile since I was reading in the early years, but I do remember appreciating "How to talk So Kids Will Listen And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" as well as Clay Clarkson's book "Heartfelt Discipline."
I also hear from some parents that they found going through foster or adoption training very helpful as far as learning new strategies.
Kelsey and I do hope to offer some greenlight metrics in our book to help parents evaluate resources for themselves. Green lights I look for are similar to the above: how are children depicted? Is Jesus' life, ministry, teaching mentioned at all? Do they take brain science, child development, or things like neurodivergence into account?
I hope this helps a bit. Good job doing the difficult work of finding alternate ways forward.
I can’t get over how obscene this practice is and I’m so tired of holding my tongue at church :(
Obscene is the word for it. The way it is normalized and euphemized is a stunning betrayal.
💔 I have heard from adults who name this dynamic when reflecting back on their experiences.